what was i thinking...... ?

mood: intimidated
music: Sia - Breathe Me

i'll come right out and say it... i have body image issues.. pretty much for forever. i just didn't realize it until the end of middle school. and ended up struggling with it ever since it was introduced to the forefront of my mind. never in my life have i been comfortable in my own skin. i'm clumsy and awkward and all around round.. (hehe) this isn't an entry fishing for compliments.. i don't want them. i'm not gracious at accepting them either.. they make me uncomfortable. so....

sunday, february 1st, 2009.. i started p90x... it is this fuckin' intense ass extreme work out that will pretty much kill me. but hopefully at the end of 90 days.. i'll be able to see in myself what casey sees.. i'm not doing entirely for him.. although.. he and his brother are doing the program as well.. and i figure.. why not try it as well.. if casey is going to get sexy for me.. the least i can do is try and be sexy for him, right?? in my own eyes, anyway.. and i'm not trying to become a twig.. because let's face it.. i think my bone mass is wider than some of my friends' bodies bundled up for winter, ya know? anyway. tee hee.. "i'm not fat, i'm just big boned." bwahahaha..

but yeah.. so.. today was the 2nd day.. and it was plyometrics.. and yeah.. it fuckin' kicked my ass.. i didn't even finish the whole hour because.. YES! you guessed it.. i almost fuckin' passed out!! what the fuck?! softball girls.. you remember.. my first practice of both seasons.. "what the hell val?? why do you keep passing out!?!? what's wrong with this ho?!" umm.. yeah.. i don't know what's up with that.. but hopefully after a week or two.. i'll be able to get through the entire plyometric work out without having to stop to let my brain catch up with my body.. because it feels like my brain detaches when i start to get fuzzy and pass out...

so yeah.. that's the haps going on right now.. we'll see how i'm doing by the end of the month. i hope i can hang.. if only for the sole purpose of saying.. yeah.. i did that.. and umm.. yeah... results would be good too..

we. will. see....