overwhlemed for the underwhelming...

mood: frustrated
music: Kelly Clarkson - Sober

it's really irritating feeling like the weak link in your marriage. Casey is pretty much an all around better person than I am. He's more goal oriented and directional whereas I am cluttered and floating through my days with one thing in mind.. to go home and try and catch up on sleep. Really... when I'm not thinking about Casey.. I'm pretty much thinking about how much I'd love to be in bed, sleeping. It's pretty sad. But I could go on and on about how much better at life Casey is than me, but really.. i don't wish to depress myself further..

We are about 70% on our way to buying our own condo. I don't even know where my mind was the first 65% of the process. Granted we did only start looking with this new realtor less than a month ago. Like the week before the Superbowl. And now we're already almost ready to sign the papers for the deed. It's insanity. It took us almost a year with our other realtor to even get this close. (And for something only half as good as this one.) And then on the last leg of the process we balked and backed out because they were trying to bully us into buying something that wasn't worth what we were going to pay in the end.

Anyway.. so the thing is.. and it's totally changeable.. is that I have been ZERO help with Casey in doing the stuff that needs to be done for this whole thing. I feel like I was only there to sign the check, which is even more laughable, because it's not even my money, mostly. once again, he's better at saving than I am. But I'm supposed to be part of these decisions, and i don't even know what the fuck we're deciding for. I don't feel like i'm keeping up the slack on my side..

I don't know the real reason for this post. Maybe it was just because i said i would post a new header when i posted a new entry.. but i think there was a deeping reason for it.

i'm sorry i'm not doing a very good job at marriage baby....

also.. i kind of want to apologize for my last entry and the hissy fit i was having when i posted it. :) that definitely backfired.. because when i post entries on here.. i have casey's email address listed for alert! yikes! so yeah.. not that he couldn't tell that i was pissed because he was sitting at the table behind me.. but he read that i called his a bastard prick and that's just not nice.. completely justified at the time of said hissy fit.. but i prefer softer terms of endearment. :) i really do love you.. sorry about that.....

kthanksbye.

sometimes.... you feel like a nut..

Mood: cranky
Music: i'm whistling the same inane notes over and over... bc it bothers people sometimes.. and that's what kind of mood in..

Sometimes..

sometimes i just need : piss someone off like they piss me off.

somtimes i want : to punch the fuckin' wall.

somtimes i like to : just be annoying as fuck.. because i'm petulant like that.

sometimes all it takes : is one line to really piss me the fuck off.

somtimes i picture : grinning like a fool while everyone around me is grumpy and pissy.

sometimes i wish : i didn't have such a short fuse.. but what kind of fun would that be.

sometimes i find : that i am immature.. and sometimes it doesn't bother me.

sometimes i take : a deep breath.. even though it doesn't help.

sometimes i look: happy.

sometimes i hate: myself.. for hating other people, which then pisses me off.

sometimes it’s nice: to pretend like you're doing alright.. .

sometimes it hurts: when people are fuckin'g bastard pricks..

sometimes it makes me happy : no.. i can't find anything for that right now..

sometimes it’s sad: i'm in this kind of mood.

sometimes i listen : to music too loud to drown out anger.

sometimes i sleep: angry.

sometimes i like to watch : things on youtube to make me laugh.

sometimes i feel: happy.. but right now i'm fuckin' pissed the fuck off..

sometimes i rant: when i'm pissed off.. can you tell??

sometimes i never: want to leave the house.

sometimes i really: to just start my life.


When I’m .....

sad, i want: a drink

happy, i need: to cry

mad, i wish: i had a punching bag

overjoyed, i find: fault in things, still..

indifferent, i like to: try and sleep it off

content, i never: want it to go away.

frustrated, all it takes: a word from the only person that makes me happy to drive me over the edge.. then i'm alone in the world..


If you had the choice of going back in time to or go forward in time to see the future, which would you choose?
i wouldn't.. what's happened in the past has molded to be who i am and the way i see things.. i can't change who i am.. i can only change what i'll be. and right now... i want to NOT be pissed the fuck off...

FUCK!

let's play blog tag..

Mood: giggly
Music: kings of leon - taper jean girl


i've been tasered.. i mean.. tagged.. by kellianne..

i'm gonna post 10 honest/hecka random/facts about me! i know.. you all can hardly contain your excitement!

and away we go...

1. i can listen to any one song over and over and over for any extended period of time without getting sick of it.. same goes with movies.

2. my baby brother, no matter how much of a pain in the ass he is, is the glue that holds my family together. without him, we would have imploded... but since we needed to all work around being home with him..

3. kc is the best guy i've ever met.. really..

4. kelly clarkson is my absolute favorite.. ever..

5. i have dropped my iphone more times that i can count.. and it saddens me.

6. i miss having friends that i can hang out with with just a phone call. we all live too far.. it's hard to believe that i miss texas, when i was so adament about getting back to california..

7. at any given time, i can have more than $700 worth of apple products on my person. iphone, nanos, and kc's mom's ipod.. it's sickening..

8. stewie needs a haircut so freakin' bad!!!

9. i like to carry stewie around like a baby.. i won't comment further on it..

10. i like to cook... if only i had my own kitchen.. :(

okey dokes.. tag yourself! i mean.. ok.. katie.. kristen.. jd.. danni already did it.. kluv tagged me.. anne.. joh.. leandra.. gimme your fun facts!

happy birthday casey baby!!!

and... because even if you've seen the red carpet interviews.. this one is unlike any you've ever watched.. twilighters at their best!! LOL FOREVER!!!!

Happy Birthday, Baby Love

Mood: happy
Music: Maroon 5 - Little Of Your Time

this is for my CaseyLove.. today is his birthday. and we're apart.. on tuesdays i go to my parents house to watch my little brother. it's a new routine that my family has acclimated themselves with. long story. not important.

so, since we're not really doing anything for kc's birthday until this saturday.. valentine's day, i came down here. his family is coming over this weekend. so i guess we'll celebrate some kind of valentine's day before or after.. obviously.

but.. as you can see.. i have a new banner.. it's from stewie.. he's so creative.. for having huge eyes and no thumbs.. pretty talented for a dog. for a human, it's mediocre.. but it's the thought.. right??

so yeah.. basically... i wanted to post about my husband.. because he is the man in my life.. and he makes me happy.. i wish we could have done something for your birthday, baby boy.

there's always next week i guess.. or after may.. when we're both not p90x-ing.

love.. with all my heart..

procrastinating p90x

mood: lazy
music: none, because i'm too lazy to plug my ipod on it's dock..

but apparently not lazy enough to post! go figure..

i hate it.. there.. i said it.. i. hate. p. 90. x. yeah yeah yeah.. jd said to keep with it. and i intend to.. but that doesn't mean that i won't gripe about it. even if i do show results.. which i'm not yet.. of course, since i've half assed all the workouts this week. give me a break. i went from being an absolute slug to trying to keep up with this extreme ass work out.. it might turn into p120x. we'll see if i have the drive to keep up with it for 4 months.. meh.. who knows..

so anyway.. i've decided, that whenever i post an entry from my laptop i'm going to also change my header.. because i'm ADD like that.. (no offense to anyone that suffers from it.. promise.. ) i have commitment issues with looking at the same header everytime after a new post.. i'm weird.. i know this.

so yeah.. tgi-m-effing-f, i have to work all weekend.. which is a good thing.. or else my car would go unpaid and it'd get repossessed. and we don't want that. uh uh. no we don't. can you tell i'm stalling?? no.. ok.. i'll be a little more obvious....

i don't want to work out.. AT ALL. how was that?? and who am i talking to when i address the reader personally?? weird, eh?? meh..

so yeah.. i hope you enjoy the new header.. even though i know i'll be the only one staring at it for minutes at a time.. :) it's how i spend my free time..

i think that's it.. kc just worked out.. and in a month he is already starting to show results.. you'd think that would motivate me to get sexy.. but.... ok a little.. but not enough to get out of this warm bed, because yes.. i come home, change into shorts and crawl into my king size bed with the electric blanket on and cruise the internet for new twilight crap. this is the culmination of my day. exciting isn't it?? i know.. i wish there were more Me's in this world too...

ok.. snarkiness over.. i'm going to go do some shadow boxing.. i was thinking i'd like to take up kick boxing.. that'd be a good way to work out, be sexy, and learn to defend myself, all in the same class! neat, eh?! we'll see if i'd ever follow through on that plan!

wow.. i'm just a ball of contradictions.. i'm out of here before i get really depressed..

have a suavtastic evening. hahahaa..

what was i thinking...... ?

mood: intimidated
music: Sia - Breathe Me

i'll come right out and say it... i have body image issues.. pretty much for forever. i just didn't realize it until the end of middle school. and ended up struggling with it ever since it was introduced to the forefront of my mind. never in my life have i been comfortable in my own skin. i'm clumsy and awkward and all around round.. (hehe) this isn't an entry fishing for compliments.. i don't want them. i'm not gracious at accepting them either.. they make me uncomfortable. so....

sunday, february 1st, 2009.. i started p90x... it is this fuckin' intense ass extreme work out that will pretty much kill me. but hopefully at the end of 90 days.. i'll be able to see in myself what casey sees.. i'm not doing entirely for him.. although.. he and his brother are doing the program as well.. and i figure.. why not try it as well.. if casey is going to get sexy for me.. the least i can do is try and be sexy for him, right?? in my own eyes, anyway.. and i'm not trying to become a twig.. because let's face it.. i think my bone mass is wider than some of my friends' bodies bundled up for winter, ya know? anyway. tee hee.. "i'm not fat, i'm just big boned." bwahahaha..

but yeah.. so.. today was the 2nd day.. and it was plyometrics.. and yeah.. it fuckin' kicked my ass.. i didn't even finish the whole hour because.. YES! you guessed it.. i almost fuckin' passed out!! what the fuck?! softball girls.. you remember.. my first practice of both seasons.. "what the hell val?? why do you keep passing out!?!? what's wrong with this ho?!" umm.. yeah.. i don't know what's up with that.. but hopefully after a week or two.. i'll be able to get through the entire plyometric work out without having to stop to let my brain catch up with my body.. because it feels like my brain detaches when i start to get fuzzy and pass out...

so yeah.. that's the haps going on right now.. we'll see how i'm doing by the end of the month. i hope i can hang.. if only for the sole purpose of saying.. yeah.. i did that.. and umm.. yeah... results would be good too..

we. will. see....