Music: Sheryl Crow - My Favorite Mistake
Mood: Annoyed and Discontent
what do you do when someone you know is just having one of those days where they can do nothing but tear up.. and when they look at you with those teary eyes and try and plaster a watery smile on their lips, what do you do? there is nothing you can do for them... how do you handle that?? well i'll tell you how i handle that...
i sit there.. with a blank look.. i completely freeze up.. i don't know how to comfort anyone. it doesn't come naturally to me to be overly touchy except for with casey and that's only because of who he is to me.. i'm an awkward hugger. i listen okay. even though i pride myself on being a great listener.. my mind wanders when people talk to me. my mind is easily distractable. i'm inappropriate and clumsy.
but no matter how volatile the relationship with the person.. i still feel awful that i can't console them or even say comforting words. i end up saying something crass or untoward.. which only puts more strain on the conversation and situation. i can't help it.. it's a defense mechanism. what i'm defending against i have no idea. but it's how i deal. either i'll close up and distance myself from any and everybody or i'll become the one that is so inappropriate it's laughable.. usually it's the former.. and i can't help it.. i'm awkward and misunderstood..
for someone who wants kids as badly as i do.. it's unnerving to know that i can only comfort one person in my life.. how is that maternal? how does that fair for my future PossibleChildren?