realizations of a life unfulfilled...

my one biggest regret in abilene was leaving before i finished school. almost everyone i know has graduated from there or gone on to graduate from somewhere else. some have done both. i left without looking back. three years later and i'm just realizing now what an opportunity, academically, that was for me. if only i wasn't so focused on softball. don't get me wrong, softball was huge. it was the reason why i was given the opportunity to experience those amazing 2 years. softball was a welcome diversion from academics. if only i knew then how i would feel now letting those courses go to waste. i did nothing academically while i was there. no, that's not true. i did end up taking some classes i enjoyed. but all in all. it was a waste. i didn't achieve what i should have as a student or a person.

before i was accepted into ACU, i had to work hard. i ended up not being able to transfer until the spring semester. in order for me to do that i had to take almost a full load where i had to physically attend classes at my junior college, and then i was talking 4 online courses at, i think it was 3 different online universities, i think i was taking something around 26 units in the fall of 2003. why in the world, when i finally achieve my goal of making it to ACU, does all that motivation fizzle away into dust?

regret is an ugly term. i don't like using it because it makes me feel unaccomplished. i feel dimished in my character. all the what ifs and should haves, it all seems so inconceivable now. i want to go back to school. i want to be a marriage and family counselor. i want to do something that makes me happy. these are things i need so i can start feeling like my life is going somewhere. i'm stuck in two jobs that i can't quite seem to quit considering my supervisor, at one job, is my mother in law and my manager, at the other, is my mom. and i can't quit because with the possibility of casey and i moving into a condo, we wouldn't be able to make it on his paycheck alone, unless we didn't eat or use any utilities.

it's just bad timing. but it begs the ever present question.. when is the right time? when will the time come that nothing will get in the way and i can do something that i really want to do without feeling bad or like my life might fall apart if i chose this path?

would you guys consider being counseled by someone who got their degree online? does it somehow detract from the bottom line that this person might actually be able to help you? just because they may have gotten their degree from the Univeristy of Phoenix or some other online university, doesn't mean that they are in any way underqualified to guide you, which is afterall what a counselor is meant to do, right?

miss you girls..

hope you are having a swell week.

by george..

i've got it.

i think the i've realized the reason why i've been so smiley is just the mere idea of moving out of casey's family's house. :)

we signed some papers with the real estate agent yesterday afternoon to get the process moving. we're paying a lot of money for a really small space. but i think it really doesn't matter as long as we get to move out and be on our own.

i don't even mind having to pay for utilities and foods and stuff because it'll be our own place that we'll be going home to. and that's exciting. it's a one bedroom loft style condo. casey absolutely LOVED it and i thought it was cute. it would have been really cool if we were able to try and get the bigger space but with this one we're spending less than our loan was initially for, which is huge, because then casey doesn't have to take that much out of his savings like we were going to do before. so yay.. casey's savings are still intact and it makes me thinks... why didn't i save up money over the past 3 years?? and then i realize... i paid for a lot of the wedding stuff!! jeez.. it's a vicious cycle. but hopefully with this new space.. (and the agent said that our bid was a really good one so that it looks like we might actually get it,) we can save one of my paychecks a month and then use the other one for all the expenses. becuase casey's paychecks will pay the mortgage and HOA crap. i don't know exactly what i'm rambling about i just really wanted to type and this is what came out.

ok.. love you guys..

have a safe weekend!

Optimism

I've been trying on this new personality lately where I'm very smiley.
And it works.... For the most part... But I can't fool myself. I'm not
a cheery person all the time. I like to see the darker side of things
sometimes. Ok, most of the time. But i digress.

We weren't even able to make a bid on the condo that I wanted . And of
the two that we were interested in... That was the one that i actually
saw us living in. The other one that we bid on was for a single
bedroom loft. Cute... Quiet... Clean... TINY. I guess for now it could
do. We would make it work. But I really wanted to try and get the
other one. Which kind of makes me sad... But I guess with optimism
its that whole "the glass is half full" idea. It wasnt meant to be. At
least we got to see it.

Life is good. I shouldn't complain so much.

Love you girls.

By the way... Come this august... I'm going to have to wear dresses
for like a week straight!! Bah!

Sent from my iPhone

what's with all the smiles??

another smiley day...

couldn't tell ya why though...

but casey and i are going to look at a few more condos today after work. in about an hour. i, for some reason, think it's funny that he wants to get a loft, since that's what i was living in for 5 months when i first moved to texas..

JD, do you remember when i threw my picture down for you to see it hit you square between the eyes?!? it was fate! haha...

Danni, remember "Picture!!"

Kellianne, did you ever come over to that house?? weird.. i usually would go over someone else's house.. kind of embarrassed to hang out in my room. when it looked like i was camping, with my air mattress and beach chair in the corner.. haahha..

i miss you girls.. oh so much..

Happiness

For some odd reason I have been very smiley today. Its not a special
day. I didnt get laid last night. We didnt sign papers for a house. I
have no idea what would make me so beamy. Actually, come to think of
it, it might be delirium. I didnt go to sleep until casey woke up for
work! At 3 am!!! I dont know why I keep smiling though. Usually I'd
be so grumpy you'd be afraid if I'm walking towards you. Today I cant
keep this grin off my face. And the phrase, "I love my life" keeps
popping in my head. Weird, eh??

I hope you guys are well. As you can tell, I'm doing well! And for
once, I think I'm gonna stop questioning why.

Love, love, love...

Sent from my iPhone

We have made contact...

Yesterday lindsey came back.

I'll explain... Her parents and casey's mom went to a woman who is
kind of like John Edwards. She communicates with people who have
passed. Well, they went there hoping that lindsey might come through
and not only did lindsey come through but so did casey's grandma. The
same one that passed in 2004 (right before we went to regionals, and I
was ready to leave everything and fly home to be with casey and his
family, but I digress.) so this woman, right when they walked in said,
"you're here looking for your daughter." and proceeded to tell them
things from lindsey. Things that only family members would know. I
believe that this woman was the real thing. She sure did ease
lindsey's parents' grief. They couldn't have done anything and she
went without pain. And her grandma was there to "catch" her when she
passed. They'll still hurt, but you can see they're a little more
carefree, not as guilt ridden anymore.

It was nice that the grandma was there too.

On another note, casey and I went to look at two condos today. The
second one was much better than the first. I was ready to put an offer
right then, but casey wants to keep looking. Which I understand, but I
dont really want to miss an opportunity when I've found something that
I like and then still try to keep looking for something else.
Especially how the market is now. I feel like we'll miss out on this
space that has a really great location in the complex. But he wants to
keep looking. I hope we find something soon. I'm getting stir crazy at
that house. Especially with the feeling of moving out so close and
just within grasp. If we miss out on this one I might just have to
force casey to move to Texas! ;o)

Love you girls.

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