the greedy post

it's called the greedy post because all i'm going to talk about it what i have and what i want and what i wish i had. basically i'm venting. so apologies in advance for the incredibly long post i'm about to shoot at you.

i'm happy. i have and have had a pretty good life. i have an amazing husband who is just the perfect guy for me. i have been very fortunate to come across some very honest to goodness genuinely kind people. those are the girls that helped me get through the two years away from home and missing everything else that i loved that wasn't in texas. but...

there are just some things in life that i wish were different. i see my friends and just random people in general and they're doing things that they love. i wish i had a job that i loved. i wish i had something that i was excited to get up in the morning for and be like, "ah sweet! i get to go do that today!" ok ok.. i don't know if anyone ever actually does that. but i wish that i had that.

i wish i had a family of my own.

right now i have two jobs, well more like one and a half. the bartending gig only happens once every few weeks. and i work at a customs brokerage. i won't try to explain it. i've been working there almost a year and i'm still not quite sure how to explain what we do. lots of paperwork and sitting at a desk. me no likey. i want an active job. i coached softball with a "former" friend (whom i'll get to in a minute) and i had a blast. granted the girls were just getting into high school and thought that they were the hottest things to hit softball since nokona started making gloves. they weren't that good. though they had potential. and the thing is.. they don't want to learn it. i play in slow pitch leagues now. nothing compared to the competitive softball that we used to play. but that doesn't stop me from having the same fire in my eyes for winning. which, might i add, scares the pants off the less competitive girls on the team. but they don't know what it's like to be on a team that competes for love of the game and the pride of playing. it's a character flaw which i hope i never lose. they don't get it. they never will.

ok.. get me going on softball and i swear i'll last for years.. talking about the Glory Days of our time. but anyway, about my "former" friend. and i won't spend much typing energy on this girl because she's just not worth it anymore. and it wasn't me who threw the 14 year friendship away. it was her.. she walked away.. so to speak. Kelly was in my wedding. she helped me a lot in the last few days before casey and i got hitched. then she did something stupid and i called her on it and she just stopped talking to me. i haven't talked to her since a few days after the wedding in july. and i really can't do anything except, shrug my shoulders and say "oh well." can't fight for something that doesn't want to be fought for.

i enjoy friends that can take the crap from each other. it makes a friendship richer if we call each other on our shit. it's healthy. and it's important. i'm glad that i have friends like that. the others just fade into acquaintances.

i'm not religious. but i have been very blessed to come across the people that have influenced and touched my life. my girls from texas are high up on the list. casey for giving me the confidence that i lacked before realizing that someone can actually fall in love, really fall in love faults and all. i am happy to wake up beside him every morning.

and in this incredibly long post that i hope didn't take up too much of your time, i have to talk about my family. my family that i gripe and moan about but of course love with all my heart because they are the ultimate influence in my life. they have shaped my personality and outlook on life, in more good ways than bad. obviously the huge change in my life happened when i went to texas. and my family let me do that. with my younger brother being autistic it's not easy for my family to take vacations and stuff like that. but they let me do that. and i love them for that.

but i think this post got hugely long.. sorry about that. i promise i'll try to stick to a lot of little posts from now on. i just needed to get those off my chest.

love you girls.