it's a scary thing...

to be left alone with your thoughts.

have you ever just stood in the shower and kind of just let the water flow over you. and with the rush of water come these thoughts. all kinds of thoughts. thoughts and memories.

last night there was a concert, a benefit concert for casey's cousin. it was very sweet. i think it was more closure for her friends than for her family who, looking at them and talking with casey's mom you could just tell were almost tortured by the whole event. it's torture everyday for them. but to have all of her friends, gathered once again in honor of lindsey. it's heartbreaking. the bands were made of up her friends and people that she had known. there were six acts. it was tough.. not only because of course the music is like heavy rock, almost metal-ish.. but to be there for her.. instead of with her.. it's still hard to take in.

at things like that, or anything that might trigger something, you start to think and remember. thoughts and memories that you had buried since. i come off as stern about the situation. i've gotten that from casey. but if i really let myself fall into the realization that she's gone and we'll never see her again its just painful. and i don't really want to bring anyone else's spirits down, so i'll detract from the crowds and i'll sit away from the noise. and there i am again.. left with my thoughts... alone.

i guess, in some ways, it relieves me to believe that's better, happier. i never saw them as "visits". but i dreamt about her a few weeks ago and casey's dreamt about her a few times and her brother travis has gotten "visits" at least once a week for about a month now. in every one of them, all different situations and locations... she never says a thing. she's just smiling. happy as can be. it's comforting...

we all miss her.