realizations of a life unfulfilled...

my one biggest regret in abilene was leaving before i finished school. almost everyone i know has graduated from there or gone on to graduate from somewhere else. some have done both. i left without looking back. three years later and i'm just realizing now what an opportunity, academically, that was for me. if only i wasn't so focused on softball. don't get me wrong, softball was huge. it was the reason why i was given the opportunity to experience those amazing 2 years. softball was a welcome diversion from academics. if only i knew then how i would feel now letting those courses go to waste. i did nothing academically while i was there. no, that's not true. i did end up taking some classes i enjoyed. but all in all. it was a waste. i didn't achieve what i should have as a student or a person.

before i was accepted into ACU, i had to work hard. i ended up not being able to transfer until the spring semester. in order for me to do that i had to take almost a full load where i had to physically attend classes at my junior college, and then i was talking 4 online courses at, i think it was 3 different online universities, i think i was taking something around 26 units in the fall of 2003. why in the world, when i finally achieve my goal of making it to ACU, does all that motivation fizzle away into dust?

regret is an ugly term. i don't like using it because it makes me feel unaccomplished. i feel dimished in my character. all the what ifs and should haves, it all seems so inconceivable now. i want to go back to school. i want to be a marriage and family counselor. i want to do something that makes me happy. these are things i need so i can start feeling like my life is going somewhere. i'm stuck in two jobs that i can't quite seem to quit considering my supervisor, at one job, is my mother in law and my manager, at the other, is my mom. and i can't quit because with the possibility of casey and i moving into a condo, we wouldn't be able to make it on his paycheck alone, unless we didn't eat or use any utilities.

it's just bad timing. but it begs the ever present question.. when is the right time? when will the time come that nothing will get in the way and i can do something that i really want to do without feeling bad or like my life might fall apart if i chose this path?

would you guys consider being counseled by someone who got their degree online? does it somehow detract from the bottom line that this person might actually be able to help you? just because they may have gotten their degree from the Univeristy of Phoenix or some other online university, doesn't mean that they are in any way underqualified to guide you, which is afterall what a counselor is meant to do, right?

miss you girls..

hope you are having a swell week.