it's a scary thing...

to be left alone with your thoughts.

have you ever just stood in the shower and kind of just let the water flow over you. and with the rush of water come these thoughts. all kinds of thoughts. thoughts and memories.

last night there was a concert, a benefit concert for casey's cousin. it was very sweet. i think it was more closure for her friends than for her family who, looking at them and talking with casey's mom you could just tell were almost tortured by the whole event. it's torture everyday for them. but to have all of her friends, gathered once again in honor of lindsey. it's heartbreaking. the bands were made of up her friends and people that she had known. there were six acts. it was tough.. not only because of course the music is like heavy rock, almost metal-ish.. but to be there for her.. instead of with her.. it's still hard to take in.

at things like that, or anything that might trigger something, you start to think and remember. thoughts and memories that you had buried since. i come off as stern about the situation. i've gotten that from casey. but if i really let myself fall into the realization that she's gone and we'll never see her again its just painful. and i don't really want to bring anyone else's spirits down, so i'll detract from the crowds and i'll sit away from the noise. and there i am again.. left with my thoughts... alone.

i guess, in some ways, it relieves me to believe that's better, happier. i never saw them as "visits". but i dreamt about her a few weeks ago and casey's dreamt about her a few times and her brother travis has gotten "visits" at least once a week for about a month now. in every one of them, all different situations and locations... she never says a thing. she's just smiling. happy as can be. it's comforting...

we all miss her.

i'll do a survey!!

i think i'm one of the friends that only blogs when there is a survey to do! :)

i promise.. i'll blog for real.. soon.

1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME (first pet, current car): Punky Three, i took the name of a pet that i got to keep more than just a few weeks.. it could be worse.. remember i had a rabbit named Feces.

2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME (fave ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe): coffee chuck

3. YOUR NATIVE AMERICAN NAME (favorite color, favorite animal): blue tiger

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME (middle name, city where you were born): Claire S. Francisco, i'd be a slut!

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name): GalVa

6. SUPERHERO NAME (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Black Crush - now that is pretty sexy..

7. NASCAR NAME (the first names of your grandfathers): Ponciano Sydney

8. STRIPPER NAME ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Attraction K Kat

9. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Brown Burlingame

10. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Autumn Lily

11. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): JD-- we could have had the same cartoon name... Orange Slippers

12. HIPPIE NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): Nada Orange .... <--- Odd...

Good times JD.. Thank you.

friends...

i miss my friends..

:)

i have a really serious post in me from last week.

but jd said i'd fill out this form...

Two names you go by:
1. val
2. babygirl

Two things you are wearing right now
1. jeans
2. striped socks

Two of your favorite things to do
1. wake up and casey's beside me
2. hug my baby stewie

Two things you want very badly at the moment
1. for Lindsey not to be gone
2. and to not feel as yucky as i do right now

Two favorite pets you have/had
1. stewie
2. feces

Two people who will fill this out
1. kellianne i guess..
2. danni would have filled it out from jd's so.. :(

Two things you ate today.
1. terra chips
2. cesar salad

Two people you last talked to
1. casey
2. casey's dad

Two things you're doing tomorrow
1. working
2. sleeping

Two longest car rides
1. drove all the way to abilene
2. drove to vegas

Two favorite holidays
1. christmas
2. july 7th

Two favorite beverages
1. root beer
2. lemonade

Two favorite TV shows
1. GilmoreGirlsPushingDaisiesSmallvilleOneTreeHill
2. 30MinuteMealsGeneralHospitalDawson'sCreekFNL

day two.... slow healing process

it's not fair. i know the stages of grief. i'm in the bargaining stage. at first i withdraw. i'll send casey away so that he can help comfort the rest of his family rather than comfort me. they need it more. he's being strong for them. he'll stay in the Anger phase of grief.

i'm still in shock. i can't fully grasp the fact. she can't be gone. she shouldn't be gone. it's not right that she's gone. i feel like i lost a blood relative.

her family had to make preparations. i can't even imagine how they are coping. she's the baby. she's not supposed to go first.

wednesday and thursday are going to be the hardest days. wednesday is the viewing and thursday is the mass. no burial though. she shouldn't be underground. they chose a blue urn for her.

i don't want to believe she's not going to be at any more of the family get togethers. the morale will be different. everything is going to be different. i'm gonna miss her.

bad day gone worse....

it'll be difficult to type out this post. i'm emotionally drained. when a family member dies it's such a helpless feeling for those left behind.

this morning i had a nightmare.. i had dreamt that a guy that looked like an even creepier Phillip Seymour Hoffmann was trying to kill my family. weird i know. but that's not even the bad part of the day.

i wake up, get ready for work and i'm there for about 3 hours when casey's mom gets a bunch of phone calls. of course she's not at her desk. so they keep calling back. i don't like to answer the phone, just because if it's a customer in all likeliness.. i wouldn't be able to answer the question they were asking. had i known what was happening on the other ends of those phone calls i would have picked up. casey's mom comes back to her desk and i tell her that she had a bunch of phone calls. and i'm still working. i have a huge shipment that i'm inputting. well.. i get a call from casey. and i don't think anything is wrong. and his voice.. oh my god.. his voice is panicked. i haven't heard his voice like that since the day he told me that his grandma had passed. talk about helpless.. i was 1600 miles away when that happened. well.. casey asked me what was going on, because he had gotten a call from his uncle. but couldn't understand what was going on because he was at work and his uncle was hysterical. and i realize that casey's mom is on the phone also panicked. i realize that it's Lindsey. casey's cousin. she's 19. she went to sleep last night and didn't wake up this morning. i call casey back right away to let him know what was happening. casey's mom had just walked off. she was in shock. and i think we're all still pretty shocked at the moment. she's the youngest out of all of them. devastating. they had tried over an hour to revive her. but they couldn't save her.

i drove casey's mom back home because there was no way i was going to let her drive. then casey drove me back to work to pick up my car because i had a full tank of gas and then we went separately over to antioch to meet up at the hospital. i was pretty numb on the drive. i can't grasp the idea that i'll be going to that house and lindsey won't be there. ever since i met her when casey and i first started going out, she was always so nice. so welcoming. now this family had been torn apart. their baby girl isn't there anymore. only 19 years old.

casey and i got the hospital at the same time that they were leaving. so we followed them to their house. i can't even imagine that drive home. without lindsey. Al and Denise, lindsey's parents, just kept sobbing. Travis her brother was a wreck. no one can believe that it's real.

casey... solid as a rock, he doesn't break down like the rest of us. he stays strong. for everyone. he checked on me a few times, but i kept telling him not to worry about me. he needed to tend to his family. he sat up in lindsey's room for at least 2 hours.

the hysteria will subside for a few moments, then someone else will come in to pay respects or something will be said that will just trigger the flood of emotions.

it puts life into perspective. so quickly it can be taken away.

i love you girls with all my heart. please keep casey's family in your thoughts.

obsessions....

as JD knows perfectly well.. i get obsessive. and i have found a new obsession. Musicals. I have loved Phantom of the Opera since I saw the movie. I haven't seen the play, and kind of don't have any desire to. I don't want it to ruin my image of the movie in my head. Plus, I feel like on the stage the actors seem to belt out louder.. and i don't like it. but i digress. i was sort of tricked into letting casey's mom buy Hairspray on DVD during a Best Buy run for Sean, Casey's brother. I watched it nonstop for a few weeks. Hairspray I feel like I have a special connection to because of they were promoting it throughout our Honeymoon. :) good memories.

aaannnnyyywayyyyy..... Yesterday I spent the day with my mom over in Redwood City, because the only time i get to hang out with her is at work and that's no fun. So i got there at 9 and i popped in Hairspray first, because she hadn't seen it. we watched it while we took down the tree in the living room. then we watched Moulin Rouge! now this was a musical that i had no desire to watch. but that was years ago, when i was only into the teenybopper type movies. apparently i've changed because i hardly watch those. But i think Moulin Rouge is also a sort of acquired taste. my sister first described it to me as "a musical on acid." which, in the beginning, is pretty much how it seems. but that's because of the director. baz luhrmann.. who is pretty offbeat and weird. romeo & juliet was the same way at moments. but anyway, i watched it yesterday, like really watched it, because i'd seen it before but then, you know how it is, it was only on in the background. i sat down and watched it this time, and i'm kind of in love. not with one of the actors specifically, but with the movie as a whole. of course there are some parts that i fast forward through, but the good far outweighs the bad. i love that the actors sing their own parts. i love that they incorporated previously released songs into the storyline. i've been obsessed with trying to find the soundtrack online. like a good one. phantom of the opera's 2 disc soundtrack was really good for the sole reason that you feel like you're watching the movie when you're just listening to the tracks. i want that with moulin rouge since stupid itunes doesn't sell the movie. so... you see.. obsessions make me drone on and one.

but i am going to be really happy this summer. Mamma Mia is going to be released in theatres. I don't know if the movie is going to be as good as the musical on stage. But i'm still excited to watch it, because... it's about damn time!! i've been looking for a DVD of the stage version ever since i saw it like 7 years ago! oh happy day that i'll be able to have it on dvd, movie style, with actors that i already like!! yippee skippy!!!

aren't you guys bored of reading about my stupid obsession??

Kellianne!! i'm happy that you're back safe and you had a great time! love the pics and videos. you and brandon are adorable!!

Danielle, i hope your house is working out well for you. i didn't even know you were moving. isn't it sad that casey and i can only afford a one bedroom condo for at least double the amount that it would cost for a 3 bedroom house with a huge backyard in the midwest. :(

jd.. did i tell you that my benefits will be changing soon? i'll be able to follow through with those appointments that i needed to. and we all know i need them! gotta make sure that i don't have something growing in my head that's causing all these headaches.

peace out chiquitas.. i'm gonna go watch Moulin Rouge. :D